Pics of play on Saturday Night - Pic will now be added to blog going forward

2.29.16 Missing

It's hard being a Monday without Him.

Was a good day, but still hard.  i miss Him.

Been doing some more thinking but have to settle my thoughts before i get them out.  Tomorrow.....

Tomorrow is our normal.................

2.28.16 Saturday night

Ok, here goes. i'm so tired, but i know that i need to get this down. i'll do the best i can.

Oliver was here earlier than expected yesterday, which was good. i was dressed and ready to go out and have something to eat. Had sushi. Not that it matters, lol.

We came back here and watched a movie, which by the way Black Mass was really just eh. Granted i love me some Johnny Depp, but i couldn't get into this movie.

Master had requested that pictures be taken, and last time i made the mistake of forgetting. i made sure that it didn't happen this time. i'm wondering if they will end up being posted?  i do hope He is pleased.

So i was cuffed and hung by the rafters, my legs tied together. Pictures then taken. Then......

i was whipped with Oliver's belt and spanked by his hand. All while hanging. i was then removed from the rafters and placed on the bed. my legs bent, separated and tied. my fox tail in. i was then taken.

Apparently g spots do exist. Never in my life and experience has mine been found. Until now. i honestly didn't think i even had one. i'd like to experience the feeling again. i need to get Masters approval.

i'm looking forward to the other things that Master has been thinking about. i'm really enjoying the experiences that have been going on and i appreciate everything that Master is allowing.

Even though the weekend was good, i do look forward to getting back to our normal. it will be an extra day without Him this weekend.....................i need Him.

2.27.16 Just a good night before the night begins

It's a playing night.

i will be restrained.

i will write about it tomorrow.

i am looking forward to it.

i am hoping i go into sub space.

2.26.16 Good day to go into the weekend with

Master and i were finally able to get some "alone" time.

i seriously needed it. i think we both did. i needed that physical connection again. Big time. i feel SO much better. Seriously, no one has ever made me feel the way that Master does. No one makes me cum they way that He does. No one.

i should have been able to hold out longer, but i just couldn't do it. i felt myself getting dark but then accidentally let go. i apologized profusely to Master. i've only ever done that one other time. i love going dark.

i'm going to get to play this weekend with Oliver. i think we are going to try the restraints i've gotten. i'm looking forward to it. Master is ordering pictures be taken. i'm very much looking forward to that as well. i will ask to be blindfolded again. Help me feel Master in front of me. i like that. No. Love that. i must also wear my plug, or perhaps tail. What will come after..............

i doubt i will hear from Him this weekend. He will be very busy. As usual i will miss Him incredibly much.

i look forward to my future with Master. i have been told to look into some things that we will be trying. i'm excited. He's also added an extra job. Something to help Him with. i feel very good about it.

i've also reached out to a few female friends. See what happens there............................ :)

2.25.16 Emotional i guess

Day sucked. Only got 1/2 day with Him. If that. Honestly i don't know how i will handle things if i get a new job that will not allow me to contact Him constantly. i just want to move. i'm down.

When i'm down and do not get my time with Him i seriously take it out on everyone around me. i take my misery out on others. Yes i know it's not right, but most of the time i can't help it. i'm sad tonight. i miss Him.

i want our time back, and i know with the weekend coming it may be worse. Plus Master will be unavailable on Monday. Will i use others to fill my space? Maybe???? Yes, i know that's not right either.

i look forward to tomorrow. i am hoping that He will have time for me. It's been a long while since we've had some "alone" time. i need it. i need Him.

i don't know. Wish i could just fly there..........................................

2.24.16 Lots of reading today and the day, well...

i get daily emails from The Submissive Guide and another self help site. i've been saving all of the emails that look like they would be of interest to me until i found the time to read them. Today was that day.

Found some okay stuff.

Something that i thought that i could add to a part of a ritual would be something of a "bedtime inspection". As in making sure my body is in what condition that Master would want it to be in and proving it to Him. Just something of a statement that i ran by while reading. i'd have to discuss it with Him. i do have night rituals now, so maybe adding more to the nighttime would be too much. Not sure.

i did not read about this today, but spoke with someone about using rubber bands on my tits because he has used this on a sub prior. i am interested in seeing how that feels and works. i'd like to give it a try, but again, with Masters direction and order.

So the emails that i found of interest that i wanted to read about were the following:

• Surviving Loneliness
• Rituals to Enhance Your Relationship
• Stop Emotional Snowballing
• Laws of Attraction - Manifestation
• Finding Inner Peace Among Turmoil
• What To Do When Life Sucks

Most of it i already knew about. Pretty self explanatory too. Don't feed into others, trust yourself, love yourself stuff. It's hard for me to love myself. i don't know how to do it or why i even would. Life long issue there. Still trying to find out how to change that. Someday. 

my day, well, was mostly spent missing Master. He's had a really really busy week. i'm hoping that finally on Friday morning we get get some alone time. It's been a really long time. i miss it, and really miss Him. 

i have a lot on my mind. Mostly about potential play dates. Pros and cons of it all. To be honest, i shouldn't really be concerned with it but it's stressing me out. In the end it is not my decision at all. It's strictly Masters decision, His needs and His wants. 

Kinda tired of thinking.............................

2.23.16 Surprised, discouraged, surprised again.......

Last night i got a message from someone that i speak with quite often. Someone that i've met on Fet. A Dom. Yes, a real Dom, but more of a physical one, not mental. And what i mean when i say that is he is a physical one is that he knows what a submissive wants and needs physically. i am not saying that he is not a real Dom, again. He is, but TO ME, more of one that is more physical then mental.

Wait, i don't know if i'm making sense. Because isn't physical submission mental.....? Yea.

Maybe i should just explain the message i was sent.

He wants to be involved in my physical submission to Master. He says he likes to watch others submission, and says he can help me show that to Master.

Here's what is on my mind. Why would this man want to help me? What does he get out of it? Why me? Do i really trust this person i haven't even physically met yet? Lots of questions. Master knows of his "request" and is thinking about it.

Now, why was i discouraged?

Well Master and i have been talking and talking about He controlling me financially, as well as Him having full access to my phone. i've been discouraged because it hasn't been done yet. We talked about it and i have been given orders as to what to do financially.

Thing is this. i need orders. i need to submit. In order for my relationship to thrive, this is what needs to happen. When i don't get anything from Master, i get in a lull. Kind of like how i explained a vanilla relationship yesterday. The work, or investing, needs to happen. i also need to do things on my end, and should really discuss this with Master. i will. i need to do things also. It's not just things that He has to do. i'm involved in this too!

So here on sit on my computer when all of a sudden i get a Facebook message from someone. At first i was like "Who the heck..", and then OMG all of a sudden i remembered who it was. UNREAL! i haven't talked to this person since 1999!!!!!! She was a best friend. i can't believe we have reconnected. i can't wait to see her and really look forward to it.

Also had a lunch date. Eh.

All in all an interesting day.

2.22.16 Ok.....stuff on my mind

Ok, so yea had to have a bit of a recovery day yesterday. Holy i was beyond tired! Drank WAY too much Saturday and was out really late, escorted by my dom friend (for future reference and stories, etc., i've decided to give him a name. His name will be.....hmmmmm......still thinking....want a good one.....Biff!...no, no, um....GOT IT!!! OLIVER!!!!), and was up even later. Oliver didn't get home until after 2:30 am. Lol, sorry, love the name! Ha.

Ok, sorry, back on track....

So Oliver has expressed feelings for me. I struggle greatly with this. Says he needs me, and it some ways i need him too. He is a great friend, takes care of me crazy well, and is here for me physically. But.........my need for Master is much greater. Much, much greater. i did explain this to Oliver, and i really truly hope he understands. i honestly would hate to loose him.

Saturday night went well. i know i said i wanted to wait to comment on Oliver until after Saturday evening. All was good. He escorted me out to a local bar that most of my friends were at. We hung out, i drank too much, and we came back to my place. The rest of the evening was mostly vanilla because i had too much to drink and he wanted to make sure i was safe. i do have some extra marks on my ass, but it certainly wasn't anything that i could not handle. i think he knew too that i would have pushed myself, which is why he stopped - alcohol.

See what happens as time goes on. i think i will most likely be able to express it here because i don't think he reads my blog, and honestly i do need to get it out.

Ok....so relationships. i was thinking vanilla vs. D/s. Vanilla doesn't work for me. i thought why? i think it's because vanilla has always become boring. No excitement, no thrill. But, in a D/s relationship there is a ton of that. i never know what Master will have me do, and i love that. It's very exciting and a lot of the times thrilling. It's a relationship that forces both parties to work at it. It's a requirement, i believe. In a vanilla, none of that requirement is there. You just fall into a pace and that's it. It becomes boring and mundane. Blah! i do know that i can never be in another vanilla relationship again.

The situation i am in now is perfect, for the most part. Oliver knows, and can contact Master any time he needs to, and vice versa. It's good.

Ok, glad i got some things out. i should write more more often. i've been quite lacking lately..........

2.21.16 Lots to say...

....just can't tonight. Beyond exhausted. Was a crazy long and late night last night.

2.20.16 Tonight's plan

The man i am allowed to be w/ physically was supposed to come over last night. He was unable so i am assuming with Master that tonight will be okay. It was not my fault that it did not happen.

i would like to talk about how this man has been feeling for me, but i cannot right now. i do also want to see how this evening goes before i do. We are going out w/ my friends this evening and i want to see how he acts. i did tell him the other night that the only person i need is Master. i know this is all probably sounding off the wall because i haven't mentioned this mans feelings for me, but i've wanted to, and will......tomorrow.

i also want to say something about relationships and work, vanilla vs. D/s. i will speak about that tomorrow as well.........i've been doing a lot of thinking.

Until tomorrow then..................i look forward to getting some words out. It's been awhile.

2.19.16 Friday's always suck

Felt like it's been a really long week. Although i never want Friday to come, i feel worn out. i'm not sure if it's because i'm not feeling 100% or if it's because i have so much on my mind.

It was a good week with Master and i. Slow, but good. Better than what we've been through lately. Was nice to have a quiet week for once - lol. Even though i hate the weekends, i think we need it to regroup after the quiet week. Sort of get our heads back to "go" again. i always hope i make sense! Lol.

Anyway, my Friday night plans have taken a dramatic change and i am home alone. Probably a good thing in the end as i am crazy exhausted. It will be an early night for me.

i am a bit emotional as well. i have some issues with the man that i have been allowed to be with physically. i will most likely express those feelings tomorrow. Master did say that He will think about what to do..........................

2.18.16 Kept busy at work

Alone in the office until Wednesday. i like it. Gives me freedom to do what really needs to be done in the office because the other person that works there is so unorganized it drives me insane. So many things are left undone and kept so messy. To me it just proves how submissive i am. i love taking care of things and making sure everything is neat and perfect and taken care of. i am beyond good at it. A natural submissive. Knowing that makes me happy. i do wish i could show Master more of that. Whenever He asks me to take care of something, i do it immediately. i enjoy it tremendously.

Having, not an issue with an ex boyfriend, but something....He wants to see me and Master will have none of it. He knows that it's so not good for me to be around him. Still hard. The history.... No matter, Master knows what is best.

2.17.16 Calm day

It's been a very slow week with Master. Very calm. He's been very busy at work so i haven't had too much time with Him. Some weeks we have tons. i love that. Better than i horrible though right? i should be grateful for that!

He and i do have some things to work on. We discussed it earlier today. We've lost some things that we were working on. The end of last year and the beginning of this year have been so insane they have all been left alone. We will, and we do, need to get back into the swing of what was started. We both agreed this is the case.

As always i do look forward to learning and changing. i like being molded for Him. Makes me happy, special. Made just for Him.

i also have some research to do on self bondage. i'm not sure where else i can look. i thought i've explored all sites on the subject. i must try harder to find how i can perform this for Him. My report is due at the end of this month. Better get working on it..........

2.16.16 Bad evening

Cranky, tired and irritable. Day was boring. i'm in a mood with no reason.

Deep down i know there is a reason, but i have no clue what it is yet. i need to sit and think on it. Probably won't get much sleep tonight.

One thing i do wonder is why do people insist pursuing me? Why? Everyone knows and even comments on my dedication to Master, so why bother with me? i don't get it. Not just one either. One very old. One threatens to see me no matter what. One who is no good for me. i hate that fact, but know it's very true.

Another thing. i feel disgusting. i'm not pleased with how i look and i know i've done absolutely nothing to change that as of late. i hate myself. Gross, gross, gross.

i think i've pissed off my best friend. Yea i'm awesome!

i know there is something else eating at me, just not sure what. Maybe it's just all the above????

2.15.16 Ok, better...

i needed time to reconnect and ask Master questions about the weekend before explaining how i feel here.

i needed to make sure that He and i are still about He and i and nothing else. It's just Him i need nothing else. Others may be around to help, but it's not them that i need. The only person i am concerned with pleasing is Him.

So, again, the weekend was good. The play was good. i needed it and look forward to more. i think that the blindfold helped some. i do need to concentrate better. But this being the first time with this person i think all went well.

Details.....well...., not sure if it's to be shared or not. i need to think about it. A few things i feel okay about sharing are that i was spanked with his and whipped with his belt. Loved the belt. Loved the feel of the sting. Sting was completely different from the hand. i really liked it. Towards the end though, i did have to use a safe word that he had given me. i truly felt bad about using it. Why? i don't want Master to be disappointed with me. i want Him to be proud. He did say He was pleased and that my endurance will get better with time.

i do have more to say about the event, but i do think i need another night to think about it. Think about what i want and/or need to say, or rather would like to.

2.14.16 The evening and morning after

Ah yes the famous morning after...Ha.

Just kidding.

Last night went well.

i was told to remove everything and then i was blindfolded.

You know what...i can't talk about this tonight........................

2.13.16 Not enough....

...to report yet. Still early. Just got back from dinner.

i will report tomorrow.

2.12.16 The weekend

Hate that its here but looking forward to it. Master told me to have fun! i plan on it. Going to experience some things i haven't yet.

i only wish it was Master doing these things. i'm going to wear a blindfold, hoping to help me think it's Master, not someone else. i really really hope it works. i also should thank Master for allowing the opportunity for me to have these experiences. He's such a good Dom and Master. He is not selfish and really knows how to take care of me. As always i couldn't be owned by a better Master.

Some things might bother me a bit though about what will happen this weekend. Master has allowed this other man some control of me. i didn't think He would ever allow that to happen. But on the other hand, it's something that He wants for me, so i guess perhaps it shouldn't really bother me after all. i don't know. i go back and forth. i never want Him to loose control over me, or give up any. i don't want another to control me, only Him. It's Him i need and want and crave. No one else.

2.11.16 Back to normal

Getting back to normal now. First day of routine. Feels great. Phenomenal. i feel like "ahhhhhhh". All is back again. Master and i are back to our normal. i like that....."our normal".

Ended up being very horny between yesterday and today. i have been given approval to be fucked this weekend, and i am very much looking forward to it. Master asked that i be blindfolded as well as a photo being taken. i wonder if He will have me post it?

i also want to cum tonight, and asked Master, but i think He, from now on, wants me to ask Him in person. Told me to ask Him later. i meant to ask last night but i forgot. my loss.

i'm happy to have the next few days off of work so that i can catch up on my sleep after being so busy while away. i wish i had some alone time with Master, but vanilla life is taking over tomorrow - blah! Someday very soon i hope. i need what He does to me. Crave it.

i'm looking forward to the day ending so that i can see Him. Always makes me feel amazing. Better.

Again, glad to be back.

2.10.16 i'm back and it was hell

So i had a major vanilla thing to do. Had to be away for about a week. Was a ton of emotions. Happy, excited, nervous, disappointed, lonely, lost, alone, anxious, relief.

Lots right? Yea. By the end of the week i was exhausted. Physically, but more emotionally.

So here i am away and alone without my normal, can't do my routines, and have limited contact with Master.

i was lost. i was confused. i was alone. All i wanted to do was to return home and get back to my security. Wanted to be under His wing again.

Made me think if i can continue, or would i want to continue, my life without Him. i mean, here i am away with not much contact for a long period of time and far away from home. Here is my chance to do anything i want, right? Could i do it? Would i want to do it? (Really no, because the guilt of disobeying Him would eat at me until i caved.......).

Big big big answer was, NO.

i CAN'T do it, and i DO NOT WANT to do it. The only thing that would happen if i left Master would be to find another Dom. How dumb is that, when i am owned by the perfect one?!

Even more i realized how i never want to be without Him and how much i need Him.

The relief of being back to Him felt so amazingly good. i felt so much better.

i'm not sharing this thought with you because i was unhappy with Master. i'm sharing this to show that i can't be without Him. That without my routine and without Him in my life just doesn't make sense. Being His submissive and being owned by Him is the only thing that keeps me grounded.

i do hope you understand how much a Dom can mean to a sub. i hope this does make sense.........

...i'm so happy and relieved to be back.

2.2.16 Additional Control and rest of week

Master has access to my phone now. It's in a trial period. Using one program that seems to be a bit of a pain so far, and we just started. He says now He can see what i am doing more. i enjoy it as well.

i like that He has more access to me. The more control the better.

The rest of the week, until Tuesday, will not be normal for me, or us. My routines will be impossible to do, as well as some other things having to be put on hold until i return. As tough as all of this will be, i will be kept busy so that is a blessing. i do still hope to see Master on our afternoon call. i will also still be able to communicate with Him throughout the day. It will still be different though and i will still feel lost. Doing the routines keeps me on track, and Master said that when i return from this trip, that my head must be back to where it needs to be always. With Him, and into what we have. i've admitted to Him that i was slacking. Won't happen again.

Sorry, my mind is running. Too many thoughts at once.

i'll miss Him, i'll miss our normal, i'm scared, i'm nervous, i'm worried, i'm stressed......................i'm horny.....should i ask???????

i'll try to blog when i can. In the meantime................just wish me luck!!!!!

2.1.16 Changes

Had a job interview today. Job not "so" bad, pay i think is pretty good. But......................i'm crazy concerned about time away from Master. Kinda sick about it. i don't want to loose anything that we have. i don't want to loose being His. i'm worried about it. Should i just stay and be where i am so i can still be available to Him? i mean how will/would we even find time to play???? i have so much on my mind! Non stop. i'm kinda really stressed out right now.

i am not sure if i will be writing much this week as i am off flying somewhere to take part in some vanilla things. Things that are and will be quite wonderful. i'm excited, but i need to get there first. i'm not a flyer.................